Lets see about one year ago where was i? I think i was pretty dedicated to breakdancing, even so that i would ditch hanging out with my ex for it. I think i was pretty selfish if i do say so myself. Umm i was anticipating my birthday which was to arrive in 2 weeks, and idk things were more liberal? I mean compared to now it seems, that everyone has something to do or somewhere to be, back then it was just a group of friends sitting around while talking eating and watching dancing. It's strange how softly things started drifting. Umm lets skip 2 weeks, my birthday arrived and i had a little shin dig at my house, i invited my friends and it was pretty chill. I was still a kid, i was still someone who wouldnt mind egging someones house, and yeah. My life is full of downhills, from my past experiences i would say i have survived at least 4 near death experiences, the first 2 because of cars, 1 of a crazy babysitter, and 1 because i jumped off my bunkbed when i was little. So yeah i guess at that moment i could somehow sense that things weren't going right. BTW: im listening to muse-take a bow right now :P i really want to learn it on piano- continuing so yeah i felt more distant with my ex, and it came to a point where she would deliberately ignore me and act all awkward around me, so on that day i told her we needed to talk. We confessed what was going on and it came down to not being used to a long relationship, and partly i think it was my fault i mean come on, what was i thinking growing out my hair xD, so um we took a break, and then i realized she was going around with some other guy, so ehh for a moment i was furious with them, i would ignore them and just have burst of idiocracy. Until one day i saw them drive off together it pretty hit me like a truck, you know that cold feeling you get in your chest where your stomach notches turn and tighten up and feel cold all around, yeah i had that same feeling. *note side of me that i know will never come back. I pretty much lost it, i was losing sanity of my life, i would sleep restlessly, get like 3 hours of sleep and most of the night thinking, and it was up to one point where self mutilation crossed my mind, cutting. I was pretty stupid, like really stupid to even have those thoughts, but i was about to one that week after. Well that was until, someone just happened to walk by my life again, I pretty much owe her my life, she gave me reasons on why not to give up hope. She showed me that just because life can knock you down a hundred times, it just means you get up stronger. And she did the cutest things for me, she made me an optimistic CD, just to cheer me up. I kept liking her more and more, until 1 day i took a bold step and reached for her hand while laying on the bleachers. When i was accepted, a huge sigh of relief gave out from me, i was not that weird for her afterall :P but boy was my hair. Really? what did you see in me, if you couldn't even see past the hair xD So yeah, we went a couple of days just exploring the areas near school, fields, ponds, forests and all. I gave her a soft kiss on her cheek one time when we were laying on the ground, i just wanted to thank her for lifting my heart once more. School was over, and summer began and it sure was a summer to remember. I visited new areas of this county, took a bus for the first time in a long time, had friend meetings, bond fires, social gatherings, thought chau was going to move :[,trips to d.c, subway rides, to the mall, and Fairfax festival which is probably a landmark in my life. The more and more time i spent with chau, the more i realized that it was just me liking her, i felt and emotion that you just can't describe with words, and i still do this very day. We spent that day walking around a busy carnival, seeing all the happy people, which also brought smiles to our faces, enjoyed a laser show, chowed :p down on some funnel cake and Asian food, and just relaxed a bit in the grass. That was an enjoyable day, but the night is what made it really memorable. I've always pictured having that moment where you just look into someones face and you're just struck by that feeling and that night with the fireworks shining on her face and her nice smile just staring up, i saw her face and the feeling struck me, i love her. The course of the summer was filled with more adventure and experience, but i also learned of things that disturbed me. Turned out that some of the people i knew, were taking the teenager thing a bit far. Consuming alcohol, weed, ecstasy, all that stuff. Idk for those moments it's like i didn't know who they were, there was one dude who had my back though, jansenite. That cat i could tell everything, i would hang out at his house sometimes, breakdance play super smash brothers brawl, and look for work. I feel like our friendship drifted after summer ended, but lately it's been getting better. So continuing i heard about people i personally knew, falling in to a bad habit, and i would have said something, but she made it clear that she didnt want me in her life, so i left it. School was to continue soon, and i was afraid. And frankly really insecure. I mean summer it was just us two, in our world. Oh yeah, we made a promise never to do drugs or drink, and im really proud of chau that she's strong like that :D, so yeah, but school was going to start and i felt really insecure because a new year, new people, and not as much time together, i was afraid it would interfere somehow, that's why on like the first week of school we had a fight :\. I got jealous and things didnt go so well. Something was wrong with me, for some reason i couldnt get rid of that insecure feeling. I think something psychologically happened in my mind that made me so insecure, we would have constant fights, and talks about taking a break, and sleepless nights. All that bad stuff, and most of it was because of my insecurities or my slowness in doing something. Oh btw, me and chau were maplestory junkies :P, but yeah alot of fights happened, and the worst one was in our fifth month, because chau went to go hang out with her guy friend alone somewhere else, and i tried to play it off, by breakdancing with my friends, but as time passed and no phone call, i got confused and eventually worried, i had that cold feeling again, so i called her and made my way over, i was in a steady pace of impatience and frustration that day. I was really moody to say the least. WE had one of the most major fights, i actually left her there alone. I felt like crap. Because i was so stupid to be so insecure, i eventaully calmed down and went to look for her, and when i couldnt find her i knew it was pretty much over, she probably hated me by then was what i thought. so i sadly walked my way back home..that was until i got a phone call. We met up and talked, and i realized i had this psychological boundary in my mind. I felt so insecure because of past things. And it was really hard to just be normal. We made up, and i was so happy that i started *crying* uhh in happiness :P, i mean through all those fights, i released alot of the thoughts buried within my mind, and it felt like a weight came off my shoulders. From that day on i was working on being more secure. On our sixth months, it was like something on my mind clicked. I felt so much relief, for some reason i felt so happy. I knew that i could trust her, and give her my life to hold. We spent many more months together, and the fights were less and less, it was just more us being able to calmly talk about what was bugging us in a mature way. But we learned alot from each other. School came and went and it was already heritage night, that was a tough time as well, one being it put alot of stress on our shoulders, and it made me act really weird. All i was focusing on was the routine, and school. And it didnt feel so good. We'd have our discussions of insecurities and such, and i felt really bad for putting things like that in front of us. But after the show ended and when we performed on stage i felt really peaceful, just sitting next to her watching the show i felt peace and relaxation. Things were gonna be back like the way they were. We were going to have our little flirt moments, and surprises once more :D I was really happy and proud of the whole group of performers from VSA, because in those moments i felt like we got closer and became more of a family with our friends. From that day on, i've been taking steps to improve my life, and recently i took a huge leap by insuring my organization and it's been doing wonders. And today march 10, 2009
in 3 days + 1 day, it shall be march 14th. Our ten months together :D
Looking back to all that, chau showed me the door to a better life, and we walked in it. Best thing to happen to me in life :] OH BOY IM ALMOST 18!!!!1!!!!!1!!:D:D:D:D:D
if you read this then write your own story, One year ago till today. then include what you want to do 3 days from today. and paste this at the end of your blog so everyone else can do it. (little blog trend going around)
Random Thought: I think we spent over 100$ on nexon cards xD man if only we saved it :P
I miss chauzy SO VERY MUCH.
